8:30 on a Friday Night

I would have called you but I’ve gotten a new phone and don’t have my numbers in it yet.  So I’m going to say what I need to  here.

I feel like I frittered the day away.  Gpa got up several times last night and all I wanted was a nap. But when he was napping I wasn’t sleepy and when he was up, I had to fix his food, or take him to the bathroom, or open the front door to show him the car.

We did run a couple of errands and he was oh so happy to have a ride.  Then around 5, I had to take him around the block.  I think he thought he was at daycare and wanted to come home.

He’s not understanding a lot of what I say, or maybe he’s just not wanting to acknowledge what I’m saying.

He’s gone to bed early then got up wet.  He wasn’t happy that I was changing him.  “Leave the pants on.”  I had to change the sheets too.

The family and I talk like he’s going to beat his sister’s record and live to 106.  But there are days I’m not so sure.

He seems to be always hungry yet he keeps loosing weight.  His driver’s license says he’s 5’7″ and yet when we stand toe to toe,  I am taller than he is.  I’m 5’3″.

I hate that he thinks he’s starving to death.  But maybe he is.  It’s not for the lack of feeding him.  I don’t know if it is a part of the dementia. The losing the ability to communicate with the body.  Or could it be the diabetes?  I figure that is why there is so much urine and the need to change the sheets a time or two a night.

Another friend reminded me that there will be a day that I won’t have to get up in the middle of the night to care for him.  I know that she was trying to help me focus on the time I have with him.  But it just reminds me that when he dies, he’ll be gone for the rest of my life.

And all I could think of today was how much I wanted a nap.  When I did lay down to rest, I was too tired.  I almost started crying.  I didn’t because it would have taken too much effort.  Plus I get all stuffed up and would have had to get up to blow my nose.

Oh, there are other people I could call.  I just don’t feel like talking. I don’t really want to say these things out loud anyway.  It’s easier to write them.  And then they’d feel like they would need to say something to make me feel better or reassure me that I’m doing fine.

I don’t feel much like hearing those words tonight either.

The other night, at the gospel sing a long a couple of the guys were talking about how lucky Gpa was to have me to take care of them.  One said he didn’t think, he’d have someone to do that if lived to 100.  It was very weird to be sitting there while they were talking about us.  I didn’t say anything,  I wasn’t a part of the conversation.  I just happened to be sitting at the table.

What would I have said anyway?

I don’t feel that I am doing anything special.  I love Gpa.  The moments we connect are very special to me.  To be able to give him a cookie, a coffee and go for a ride means a lot to me.  I will miss him dreadfully.  Just like I miss my mom, my dad and grandmother.

I will have to find something to help pass the time until we are reunited.

For I believe we are eternal beings and the separation is just for a little while. Though sometimes it seems endless.

My second husband asked me what if I’m wrong in my beliefs.  I had to think about my response and I don’t know if we ever got back around to discussing it again.  But I know my answer now.  If I am wrong in what I believe, I won’t regret my life for my beliefs are what help me make my choices in life.  And my goal is to enjoy as much of Heaven here as possible and to share it with others.

Life should be more that just bearable.

Hey,  thanks for listening.  I’m going to let the dogs out one more time, put some cookies on the table and go lay down for a bit.

I hope you are having a great Friday night.

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