Why Did You Say That?

Shortly after my mother passed away, both my sister and a neighbor told me they knew mother wasn’t going to live long.  It made me wonder why they didn’t say anything to help prevent her death.  Or at least give me a heads up.  I was living with her  and I was surprised and shocked when she died.

It made me feel that they felt superior to have the knowledge they just shared. It made me think less of them. And it was hurtful.

Yesterday, I was on the phone to a woman I know.  She had just gone to a funeral.  She went to support her friend whose grandmother had died.

Then she talked about taking her son to ball practice.  I told her those days go by fast.  Now I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

She replied that I to had a short amount of time with Gpa.  REALLY????  I’m talking about your son growing up and you are telling me that Gpa will die soon.  And she sounded so happy when she said it.

Do you think I’m not aware of the short time I have with him?  We go to the doctor every three months and he has lost weight each time.  And it’s not for lack of feeding him.

I know I say that his sister lived to 105 and I’d like him to beat that and live to 106.  This is a wish of mine.  I know that it is a long shot.

I don’t like to talk often about checking his breathing.  I am very aware that there will be questions on the day I do have to call 911.  How long has he been ……… in his bed, in his chair, on the floor.  I don’t know what the circumstances will be.  I just know that sooner  than I would like, I will be making the call.

I also hate that there are days that the house is a mess.  So I figure the paramedics will be thinking other negative things about me.  But many are the days that the laundry is piled up and there are days it’s in the machine and then for about 30 minutes, the clothes are all clean and put away.

Same with the floor, dishes and clutter in the house.

I’m not good at dealing with my feelings when they happen, mostly because I stuff them down and unpack them later.  So don’t tell me I  should have told her what her comment did to me.  I wouldn’t have been able to articulate it at the time and I don’t want to bring it up now.  Either way, what I have learned in the past when I share my feelings,  is that people just defend  themselves.  I don’t want to go there.

I won’t be answering her phone calls any more.  I really don’t need the grief before it’s time.  And maybe it grieved her to hear that her son won’t be 10 forever.  So I am sorry if I caused her grief.

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