A Hard Week

Last Monday Gpa fell at Daycare.  It was two hours before they realized he may be hurt.  Any by them he was inconsolable.

Really people, he has dementia, he may not know he is hurt.  So check him out at the time of the fall.

So I got a call.  At first it was come pick him up.  I was across town and the car was in the shop.  So I let them know it would be a couple of hours before I could get there.

But Gpa now aware of his pain could only express it.  So I was called again and asked which hospital.

The one closest to me is the one where the kids dad died. Not the best choice because of old memories, but good in that I knew where everything is.

I would meet him there.

Oh, he was so glad to see me.  He was ready to go, or at least scoot further down the bed.  He was as far as he could go.  I had my job cut out for me to distract him and keep him on the bed.

The x ray guy thought the date of birth was a typo.  Nope, he really is 101. He had to use the portable x ray machine because Gpa was not going to sit still.  Does he ever?

At one point I took off his hat, which is really a cap and saw a goose egg.  I showed it to the doctor and was able to get a cat scan.

Poor Gpa, they had to strap his forehead and his chin down.  I could not reach him, not with my words or by holding his hand.  All he was aware of is something wrong with his neck.

Good news, he had no broken bones and nothing wrong with his head but a sinus infection.  Which explains the falls, I guess.

There were moments while in the hospital that Gpa and I really connected.  Looked at each other in the eyes.  All else fell away.  It did not matter we were in the hospital.  We were together.  And love filled the room.

It is Sunday night and there’s been a few more falls.  I’ve brought the wheel chair in the house.  If he wasn’t before, he is truly a bull in a china shop.  He wheels as fast as he can go forwards and backwards not aware of the chair hanging on other furniture and dragging it around.

I am running on very little sleep and looking forward to day care tomorrow so I can get a really good nap.

Life is cruel.  This slow descent into nothingness.  There is nothing I can do to stop it.  I hate that he will continue to decline until I am relieved that he is gone.  Not just a ‘whew’ glad that is over. But more like a sigh from every fiber in my being that this part of  his and my journey is over.  And I hate that.  I don’t want to get to this point.  But oh, it is there.

And if the kids ever found out I even remotely felt this way, we’d have such a row.  For, “Mother how can you even think that!?!”  Dear, heart, that is just a part of life.  A part of the process of letting go.  And I have been holding on so long and so hard.

And what of these memories we are creating?  They are just a fleeting thing, like a butterfly.  Who knows if I’ll ever choose or have cause to remember  the joy found in the day we hung out at the hospital.

I no longer can say things like, “I’ll remember this always.”  For there is no guarantee that I will.

And tomorrow I’ll start my preparations for Thanksgiving.  And if I take the time, I will find a lot to be thankful for.


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  • sarahlangdon  On November 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    I can relate with your statement about the relief that will come when our loved one is gone. It seems wrong to feel that way,and yet so right. “Dear heart, that is just a part of life. A part of the process of letting go. And I have been holding on so long and so hard.” Yes, yes, and yes.
    Blessing to you for Thanksgiving.

    • nothousebound  On November 20, 2012 at 4:05 am

      Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have been learning to really enjoy the moment.

      I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving as well.

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