Stories We Tell Ourselves

I was reminded of how long ago mom and Gma had passed away.  It makes me sad to think this year will be the 20th anniversary of their passing.  Why do people celebrate a person’s death.  I think I would still be sad even if I weren’t aware of the time that has passed.  I just wouldn’t know why I was sad and feeling off center.

In the middle of the night Saturday, Toby woke me up retching.  I pushed him off the bed so he wouldn’t throw up on it.  He then went to the door and I knew he wasn’t finished.  I watched him go out into the back yard.  And he was having a problem with one side of his body.  He looked back at me as if I could do something to fix it.

I woke up my daughter and by this time Toby was covered in sweat.  She called and got permission to bring him to work and put him down.  We loaded him up and headed to our last goodbye.

There was an accident that closed the highway.  We got off just in time to not be stuck.  Toby continued to vomit.  It wasn’t looking good inside the car but when we passed the accident, Gena said she saw a body covered with a sheet.  I was sad for the person and the family whose Mother’s day would be sadder than ours.

While we were saying goodbye to Toby, I told him to find my mom and tell her I sent him to be her Mother’s Day present.  She’s a nice lady.  I also told him to find Gpa and have him throw food.  I’m convinced Cagney has told Toby all about the food that used to be thrown from the kitchen table.

It hasn’t totally sunk in yet.  I scooted over on the sofa this morning to make room for Toby.  Oh, yeah,  he’s not here.

I had been thinking how sad Mother’s Day would be without my mom.  But some friends wished me a happy Mother’s Day.  My son called.  I wished my daughter-in-law happy Mother’s Day.  And I made pot roast and sugared strawberries like mom used to do.

The girls came over and we had a great time.

I don’t know if Toby has or will go find mom or Gpa.  He may have people and other loved ones to go hang out with.  I do know that I’m glad he was part of our family this last year.  It was a year he wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t brought him home from the shelter.

Sure Mother’s Day was sad but wasn’t as sad as I told myself it would be. And where it was sad was different than I had told myself.


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