Category Archives: Thoughts

Who Do You Tell?

In the light of recent events, I heard a radio DJ exhort anyone who had thoughts of suicide to tell someone.

I don’t think it is as easy as that. Who does one tell? And when?  Sometimes those thoughts are fleeting as one tries to brainstorm solutions for a difficult situation.  They will not be acted on so no need to discuss.

When I was 15, I told my dad I needed help.  He asked me why and his response to my telling him I was thinking of killing myself was that getting help would be far worse.

I didn’t get help.

I don’t remember telling my sister but I must have because she’ll bring it up time and again.  She is still worried.  So I wouldn’t tell her.

In my 30’s I got help for grief.  Mom and Gma had died within months of each other.  Dad was proud I got help.  But it was a different sort. I wasn’t suicidal, just very sad. And it did help.

My children are adults now but I wouldn’t tell them.  I wouldn’t want to burden them.

I’ve got some friends that I feel are close enough I could tell.  But what would I say?  If I voice it, it makes it too real.

And I think there is still a stigma on the issue of suicide.  So to confess that one is thinking about it, is confessing one of the most terrible things. How can  you think those thoughts?

And I wouldn’t tell a stranger, I don’t want to be locked up.

So if I needed to tell someone, who would I tell?  I don’t have an answer.

I do think that those kinds of thoughts have more power when hope is lost.  Where do we find hope when it is lost? How do we share hope with ourselves? with others? Even a glimmer of hope has extraordinary power.

glimmer of hope

glimmer of hope


Stories We Tell Ourselves

I was reminded of how long ago mom and Gma had passed away.  It makes me sad to think this year will be the 20th anniversary of their passing.  Why do people celebrate a person’s death.  I think I would still be sad even if I weren’t aware of the time that has passed.  I just wouldn’t know why I was sad and feeling off center.

In the middle of the night Saturday, Toby woke me up retching.  I pushed him off the bed so he wouldn’t throw up on it.  He then went to the door and I knew he wasn’t finished.  I watched him go out into the back yard.  And he was having a problem with one side of his body.  He looked back at me as if I could do something to fix it.

I woke up my daughter and by this time Toby was covered in sweat.  She called and got permission to bring him to work and put him down.  We loaded him up and headed to our last goodbye.

There was an accident that closed the highway.  We got off just in time to not be stuck.  Toby continued to vomit.  It wasn’t looking good inside the car but when we passed the accident, Gena said she saw a body covered with a sheet.  I was sad for the person and the family whose Mother’s day would be sadder than ours.

While we were saying goodbye to Toby, I told him to find my mom and tell her I sent him to be her Mother’s Day present.  She’s a nice lady.  I also told him to find Gpa and have him throw food.  I’m convinced Cagney has told Toby all about the food that used to be thrown from the kitchen table.

It hasn’t totally sunk in yet.  I scooted over on the sofa this morning to make room for Toby.  Oh, yeah,  he’s not here.

I had been thinking how sad Mother’s Day would be without my mom.  But some friends wished me a happy Mother’s Day.  My son called.  I wished my daughter-in-law happy Mother’s Day.  And I made pot roast and sugared strawberries like mom used to do.

The girls came over and we had a great time.

I don’t know if Toby has or will go find mom or Gpa.  He may have people and other loved ones to go hang out with.  I do know that I’m glad he was part of our family this last year.  It was a year he wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t brought him home from the shelter.

Sure Mother’s Day was sad but wasn’t as sad as I told myself it would be. And where it was sad was different than I had told myself.


Does It Matter?

That’s what I’ve been asking myself lately.  About a lot of different things.  I’ve been looking for a job since about October of last year.  Not as long as some people, I know but I’ve put in a lot of applications had a few interviews and the savings are running out.

If I tap into my 401k, I’ll take a 20% hit off the top.  I really don’t want to do that.

I’ve had a couple of part time temporary assignments, I’ve found on my own.  Seems like the temp agencies don’t want me working for them.  Odd since the people I have worked with said they would contact me when they have more work.

I’ve been missing Gpa, Gma, mom and other’s who have gone. Died.  Missing them unbearably.

Working in in the garden has helped some.  Seeing the trees and flowers springing to live has helped some.  The frost killing most of the tomato babies did not help at all!

A couple of days ago, my boyfriend and I went out to eat.  (Do you call them boyfriends if you are 50?)  The meal was good.  We enjoyed each others company.  We were both tired so the conversation may not have been very stimulating.  It was nice to have time together.

When we left the restaurant, I saw this little pink flower growing between the parking spot and the curb.  I bent down and yelled at it.  I was so mad!  “What do you think you are doing?”

This is the worst place for a plant to grow.  The plant will struggle it’s entire life.  Someone may consider it a weed and spray it or pull it.  It won’t have much room even if it’s left alone.  So it will be stunted.

My boyfriend pointed out that this flower worked on blooming where it was and here I was yelling at it.

I did point out that all it knows is I’ve given it extra carbon dioxide.  Plants like that.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about it and I went back to see if it was still there. Yep.  So I took a picture.  It looks like a petunia but I”m not sure.  I plan to ask the ladies at the garden tomorrow if they can tell what it is.

I feel like that plant and want to know ‘what do I think I am doing.’  and does it really matter?  I can tell you I haven’t a clue.

Maybe a petunia

In a hard place

It Doesn’t Change Anything

Donald Sterling has been fined and banned for comments that have been released.  It is reported he has replied, “I wish I had just paid her off.”

If he said this, he hasn’t learned anything.  Times have changed and if ever his behavior was acceptable, it isn’t now.

It could be that the consequences is to appease people and had no intend of trying to bring a change in this individual.  That’s too bad.  When my kids were younger, I looked for consequences that matched the issue and would encourage the behavior I wanted them to exhibit.

Sure the kids had loss of monetary gain and time-outs, but there were also volunteer work and extra chores.  And by being selective in the correction, the kids learned better behavior.

It is unfortunate that the correction for Donald doesn’t serve to help him grow as a person.  Even 80 year old’s can learn from their mistakes.  Maybe if he were to perform community service where he interacted with people who are different instead of isolating him and docking his net worth.

But then again, it may be we don’t care so much about who Donald is as a person, just what he says and does.

We Are Fine Together

Recently Paul Simon and his wife, singer Edie Brickell, were arrested on a domestic dispute.  Apparently they had an argument and there was something physical like pushing.  Enough physical contact happened that the arrests had to happen.

These kinds of things do happen and I am sorry that their experience had to be made so public.

On one of the trips to California I took Gpa, we had a physical altercation.  No one called the police and no one got arrested. Of that I am glad.  He had gotten up and was wondering the house.  I was tired and wanted him to go back to bed without taking the time to give him a snack.  He felt threatened and punch me in the nose.  Definitely more physical than what was reported above.

I think we were both surprised.  I was so glad I didn’t have my glasses on at the time.   I wasn’t so happy that my son, his wife and their children witnessed the incident.

My then 4 year old grandson, came and told me he didn’t like Gpa anymore because Gpa had hit me.  I told him that Gpa was frustrated and didn’t have the words to tell me he was upset.  I could tell my grandson didn’t believe me that it was ok.  So I told him that sometimes he gets upset with his sisters and hadn’t he hit them?

OH that was a hard thing for him to hear.  What a lesson to learn at 4 years old.  Sometimes we don’t behave as well as we would like and sometimes those we love don’t either.  The question is can we extend grace and get past this incident and move on?

We did, and it sounds like Paul and Edie will as well.  I hope so.

Doing What You Love

There is a saying that if you do what you love, the money will follow.

OK, so I juggle and play the violin.  The family has been great on being creative, not so much the putting value on that creativity.  That’s where I will be breaking new ground.  Now what?

I’m thinking that I could take some of the time I have devoted to finding a job, to finding a gig.

HMMMM.  Maybe.



Spring Time Garden

It was about this time a couple of years ago that I found the community garden.  It is very good to dig in the dirt and watch the plants spring up and grow into food or flowers.  Gives me hope.

I’ve been in a mood lately.  It’s hard searching for a job, going for interviews and then not getting anything!  I’ve applied to jobs I am qualified and ones that are entry level.  Nope, still looking.  Though I have gotten a couple of temporary assignments.

I haven’t spent much time pondering on the mood.  Just been letting it sit there, brooding in the background as I do what I do each day.

But during the plant sale at the garden which coincided with preparing the church for Easter.  I took some time to look at the mood, the things I’ve been focused on and what I can do to move forward.

I feel like a seed that has been given water and sunshine and yet is fighting the resulting change and growth.  A plant doesn’t look anything like a seed.  In fact in many cases, the seed has to split in half and let the seedling sprout up through the middle.  Talk about growing pains.

So as I dig in the garden, and tend the new plants, I’ve been looking at what I like to do best and how I might be able to translate that in to a source of income.  I’ll keep you posted on what I figure out.

One Year Anniversary and Counting

I have had this blog post hanging over my head for several months now.  Gpa died last year in January.  I have been dealing with all sorts of emotions and life events.

I haven’t wanted to talk or write about them.

The first year after a loss of a loved one is hard.  At times it is unbearable, but we bear it anyway.  At times there is surprise there is something to look forward to or laugh at now.  The first year can drag on.  Here comes another holiday or event we used to celebrate but now it’s different.

Then after the first year anniversary of the death, time speeds up.  This year, 2014, will be the 20th anniversary of my mother and grandmother passing away.  20 years! ? ! Where did the time go.  That can’t be possible.

And now for a whole new set of emotions and life events to deal with.  My grandchildren will only know them through pictures and stories.  And they live across the country.  I’m not sure when and where I’ll get to share all the things about these women I’d love for them to know.  And I’m not sure I have the words to convey the very essence of who they were.  After all, a lot of time has passed.

And how does one celebrate the 20th anniversary of the loss of a loved one?

Photo Bombing Dog

I have been meaning to take a picture of the flowers that I arranged with mint, sweet potato tops, tomato sprig and salad burnett but when I started the set up,  I couldn’t get Cagney to get out of the frame.

The more I waved him away, the more he wagged his tail.  So I took the pic and posted it here.

Cagney and flowers

Dog photo bomb picture

Thoughts on Time

Time passes whether we want it to or not.  If I am doing something or if I am doing nothing, time passes.

People will tell me that I do a lot.  I don’t know how to respond.  I don’t think I do that much.  (if you look at my house, you would agree)

I think the things I do are to pass the time.  Fill it up so I don’t have to feel.  Yet when I am in the garden, sowing or reaping or even watching chicken TV, I don’t even notice the restriction of time.

It’s presence fades in the background.  Oh, it’s still ticking but I’m not trying to push it forward or hold it back.