Tag Archives: cookie

A Celebration of Life

Today I’ll be making some posters for tomorrows celebration.  I also plan to make a bread pudding with the last of the cookies.

At the last moment, I’ve been telling people to wear red, which is Gpa’s  favorite color, or to wear their favorite color.  I am going to go through his clothes and pull out all the things that are red.  If someone didn’t get the message, they can pick out one of his things and wear red after all.

My daughter told me yesterday that people are most worried about her and I being the most upset.  But we aren’t really.  Partly because it isn’t really true yet, and partly because the end was as good as the life he lived.  This isn’t a tragedy, there isn’t anything to mourn.  He lived and died the way he wanted to without bringing harm (or much) to others.

He has truly set a high standard, one I hope to continue.

We’ll be on the pavilion if the weather is nice otherwise we’ll move to the kitchen where he spent many happy hours drinking his and other’s coffee.

Come and go Celebration of Life for Grandpa on Sunday from 3:30-6:30 at
Our Saviour Episcopal Church
1616 North Jim MIller Rd
Dallas, TX  75217
in lieu of flowers make donations to
Our Saviour Community Garden
1616 North Jim MIller Rd
Dallas, TX  75217
Hope you can come.

Equal to the Task

There are days that I am overwhelmed by what I need to do to care for Gpa.  There are other days that I actually sit in the moment and enjoy our time together, the laundry and dishes can wait.

He however is single-minded and wants to get to the table so he can have a cookie.  Before we got the hospital bed, I put his bed on the floor hoping to keep him from falling.  I found him in the morning on his knees pushing his chair backwards and was beside the table!

If only the rest of us were that determined to reach our goals.

I have been reading, “The Magic of Thinking Big” and this statement caught my attention,

“A fellow, who really thinks he is equal to the task, is.”

I’ll remember that the next time, I get overwhelmed.

Today Nietzsche was Wrong

Nietzsche has been quoted to say, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger. ”

This morning, I wasn’t stronger, I became my baser self.

Gpa went into the bathroom, so I followed and started to help him. He was in the middle of pooping.  So there he is standing in the bathroom, hanging onto the towel rack, pooping.  Gravity was doing a swell job and poop was landing on his pants, shoes and floor.

I started yelling at him to sit down and tried to guide him to the toilet.  Gpa did not let go and the towel rack came with him.

I am so glad no one was hurt. I’ve been trying to get a real grab bar added to the order for the hospital bed.  Towel racks are not made for bearing a person’s weight.

He’s happy when he has a cookie, a coffee or a ride.  He is not happy when he is in the bathroom and I am yelling at him.  He isn’t aware of the poop.  He tells me he is never coming back here again.

I am not physically stronger.  Taking care of Gpa has thrown my back out of whack.

I am not spiritually stronger.  It is torture to watch Gpa slowly deteriorate.  He has a bed sore, a sore on the toe of one foot and two toes on his other foot is purple.

I am not mentally stronger.  I am drained.

I am going to bed now.  Hopefully, we’ll feel better in the morning.

We’ll see.

8:30 on a Friday Night

I would have called you but I’ve gotten a new phone and don’t have my numbers in it yet.  So I’m going to say what I need to  here.

I feel like I frittered the day away.  Gpa got up several times last night and all I wanted was a nap. But when he was napping I wasn’t sleepy and when he was up, I had to fix his food, or take him to the bathroom, or open the front door to show him the car.

We did run a couple of errands and he was oh so happy to have a ride.  Then around 5, I had to take him around the block.  I think he thought he was at daycare and wanted to come home.

He’s not understanding a lot of what I say, or maybe he’s just not wanting to acknowledge what I’m saying.

He’s gone to bed early then got up wet.  He wasn’t happy that I was changing him.  “Leave the pants on.”  I had to change the sheets too.

The family and I talk like he’s going to beat his sister’s record and live to 106.  But there are days I’m not so sure.

He seems to be always hungry yet he keeps loosing weight.  His driver’s license says he’s 5’7″ and yet when we stand toe to toe,  I am taller than he is.  I’m 5’3″.

I hate that he thinks he’s starving to death.  But maybe he is.  It’s not for the lack of feeding him.  I don’t know if it is a part of the dementia. The losing the ability to communicate with the body.  Or could it be the diabetes?  I figure that is why there is so much urine and the need to change the sheets a time or two a night.

Another friend reminded me that there will be a day that I won’t have to get up in the middle of the night to care for him.  I know that she was trying to help me focus on the time I have with him.  But it just reminds me that when he dies, he’ll be gone for the rest of my life.

And all I could think of today was how much I wanted a nap.  When I did lay down to rest, I was too tired.  I almost started crying.  I didn’t because it would have taken too much effort.  Plus I get all stuffed up and would have had to get up to blow my nose.

Oh, there are other people I could call.  I just don’t feel like talking. I don’t really want to say these things out loud anyway.  It’s easier to write them.  And then they’d feel like they would need to say something to make me feel better or reassure me that I’m doing fine.

I don’t feel much like hearing those words tonight either.

The other night, at the gospel sing a long a couple of the guys were talking about how lucky Gpa was to have me to take care of them.  One said he didn’t think, he’d have someone to do that if lived to 100.  It was very weird to be sitting there while they were talking about us.  I didn’t say anything,  I wasn’t a part of the conversation.  I just happened to be sitting at the table.

What would I have said anyway?

I don’t feel that I am doing anything special.  I love Gpa.  The moments we connect are very special to me.  To be able to give him a cookie, a coffee and go for a ride means a lot to me.  I will miss him dreadfully.  Just like I miss my mom, my dad and grandmother.

I will have to find something to help pass the time until we are reunited.

For I believe we are eternal beings and the separation is just for a little while. Though sometimes it seems endless.

My second husband asked me what if I’m wrong in my beliefs.  I had to think about my response and I don’t know if we ever got back around to discussing it again.  But I know my answer now.  If I am wrong in what I believe, I won’t regret my life for my beliefs are what help me make my choices in life.  And my goal is to enjoy as much of Heaven here as possible and to share it with others.

Life should be more that just bearable.

Hey,  thanks for listening.  I’m going to let the dogs out one more time, put some cookies on the table and go lay down for a bit.

I hope you are having a great Friday night.

Things I Hate

I hate that when Gpa sleeps, he breathes very shallow and it takes a minute to be assured he is still alive.

I hate that his stomach does not tell his brain that he has eaten.

I hate that he thinks he is starving to death.

I hate that people think I’m being mean by bundling him up in 107 degree weather.  (I don’t care what they think, I just get tired of explaining he has no body fat and is cold all the time)

I hate that he is losing his vocabulary and struggles to tell me about the cookie he wants to eat.

I hate that he doesn’t respond to: “Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa, George, George, George”

I hate the he doesn’t know when he’s going to the bathroom.

I hate that he can’t tell the old family stories anymore.  Even the time I stuck a stick in his car keyhole and it broke off.

I hate that my grandbabies will only know the demented version of Gpa.

And I forget all about the above when he looks at me with that twinkle in his eye and smiles.

 

A Cookie, a Tomato, and a Toad

It is 5:00 am on a Saturday of a 3 day holiday and I am up.  Not that I want to be.  Gpa has tried to change his pajama pants with a shirt.  He can’t figure out why they won’t pull up.  In the bathroom he has told me he is hungry.

You can’t tell the baby to go back to sleep when it is hungry.  It’ll just cry more.

So he now has pants on, and eaten breakfast.  While I was at it, I fed the dogs.  Next is a nap.

It fascinates me what his demented brain retains and what he cannot cope with.  Though it doesn’t stress him out too much.  He just kept trying to figure out how to pull up the shirt tail.

Yesterday he had a check up at the doctor’s office.  He got a good report and on the way to the car, he told me he was hungry.  No surprise there.  He wanted a cookie.

Once in the car, he added a tomato to his list and then said toad.

At first I  thought how funny that he wants a toad.  But if you put the request in the context of the last two weeks, it makes for an interesting situation.

We had toad in the hole a couple of weeks ago at the garden for breakfast before harvesting for the food pantry.  He ate two.  Then that Friday we met Lillie and a friend for lunch.  I saw that toad in the hole was on the menu.  The restaurant had given it a name but we had a discussion about toad in the hole.  She ordered it.

And here Gpa is, asking for a toad.  It made me feel better because the day before when trying to ask for a cookie or a cracker, he said he wanted a crackie.  I thought, oh here we go, losing more vocabulary.  It could be he just wanted both.

A Cookie and a Prayer

Yesterday was day care  day for Gpa and errand day for me.  Boy did I get a lot done!  The last thing I did and the most important was getting the oil changed and window wipers replaced. (the wipers were looking pretty ragged)  I was supposed to change the oil a couple of weeks ago. Now that it is done, I have a load off my mind.

I also got to have lunch with a couple of friends.  That was the best part of the day.  One shared some troubles she has been having.  She has been taking steps to make the changes needed so that is good.  But the changes are live changing and she confessed that worry has been keeping her awake at night.

This made me remember when I was worried about my ex.  I spent many nights awake, worried about what he planned to do next.  My solution was to pray for missionaries in China.  I did that enough that I stopped worrying about what was going to happen at home.

I told my friend to pray for the people in China.  She asked what’s happening in China.  I said I don’t know, pray for anyone you want.  Surely at 2 am, someone somewhere is needing prayer.

Last night Gpa got up a couple of times and at 3 am I changed him and he asked for a cookie.  So I set him up with a cookie and juice.  I started to grumble about being up at 3 am and remembered what I had said earlier in the day.  I started praying for surely someone somewhere needs prayer at 3 am.

And praying puts me in a much better mood than grumbling.

I hope you have a great day today!

 

Thriving

Gpa and I went to visit one of my friends the other day.

She was making cookies and gave Gpa a cup of coffee and set him up with a TV tray.  While we were visiting Gpa decided to get up and we found out he had spilled his coffee.

Oh, Gpa!  My friend said it was OK they have a child and a dog so they have hard wood floors.  We got the mess cleaned up and by that time the cookies were ready.

Gpa ate 3.

I was sharing that in Aug. it will be a year since I started taking care of Gpa full time.  She replied “and he is thriving.”

I like that word.  It does encapsulate the state he is in.  I have to admit.  I am, too.

I think when we go to celebrate Birthdays at Disneyland, I’ll be celebrating our year anniversary of living together.

Eating Cookies in Bed

I put cookies on the table with a cup of coffee on the table at night so Gpa can have a snack if he gets up.

Last night he didn’t sit down when he saw them, he just picked up the cookies and headed back to bed.  I tried to tell him to go ahead and sit down but he didn’t.

I cringed thinking of what a mess eating the cookies in the bed would make, but I didn’t want to upset Gpa. Also the sooner he went to bed, the sooner I could too.

In the morning, he had a bit of cookie on his shirt and pillow.  Not much to clean up for a good nights sleep.

I’m hoping he won’t make a habit of eating in bed.

We went out to eat tonight.  He had oatmeal, eggs, and some pancakes.  An hour and half later, he told me he was going to bed because he didn’t have money for dinner.  I fixed him a protein drink.

It is hard when he thinks he’s hungry and I know he isn’t. It is a balancing act.

A Couple of Cookies, A Couple of Outcomes

We spent most of today out and about.  For the most part it was great.

Had lunch with a friend and then ran some errands.

While we waited for a friend, we stopped at McDonalds.  I took Gpa to the bathroom and then got him a cookie and a coffee.  Before the friend showed up, Gpa told me his butt hurt.  So I asked if he wanted to sit in the car.  My butt was hurting too.

When I turned from getting him into the car, there was a lady at the door of McDonalds who asked something.  I said “what?”

She repeated, “Are you always this mean to him?”

Who knows what she was referring to.  I assumed it was my yelling to get him into the car.  “He can’t hear.” I replied and put the walker in the trunk.

I saw her shaking her head.  So I know she didn’t believe me.

I got in the car and locked the door.

Gpa started telling me “Oh goodie, I love going for a ride.”

So, Lady who has no clue what she saw, My Gpa is very happy with the way I treat him.  However, I can promise that I’ll NEVER buy you a cookie and coffee at McDonalds, EVER.

The other cookie was at my friend’s house.  She got everyone a glass of water and then we got busy visiting.  Gpa went to her end table and started to look into the bags sitting there.

One had a bikini and my friend showed it to Gpa and asked if he wanted it.  “No, no, no.’  I told her he was probably looking for a cookie. She laughed until she saw a cookie in the other bag.

She was very impressed with how well he was able to scout out his favorite food item.

He is good that way.