Tag Archives: love

Loving Everyone Update

Some people are easy to love.  They are open, happy, light up any room they enter.  Others not so much.  And it’s almost impossible to love fellow drivers in rush hour traffic.

I know, I’ve tried.

I am very hard on myself when I fail.  I find myself yelling or honking on my daily commute. Then I remember I’m supposed to be loving those around me.  So I yell a blessing in their direction.

Which doesn’t really help the unsettled feeling I’m left with.

And a few months ago, I discovered I have high blood pressure.  Factors are part heredity, part weight and part stress. So I’m doing the things that help bring it down.

Being hard on myself for the failure to love everyone has to go.

So I’ve started doing something that seems to help. When I hit the snooze button in the morning.  I lie awake (or asleep, for that happens as well) with the intention of loving everyone. For 10 minutes, I just think about the people I love and those I will interact with this day and love them.

Because I have decided that I can be successful in my goal if I don’t make it a 24/7 thing. I start my day full of love, which is nice.  I have a better experience through out the day. And I have noticed I don’t get as upset when in traffic.

I still have the bigger goal to love everyone all the time but this smaller 10 minute goal helps me have a win everyday.

A Message from Esther’s Handmaid

To All who will listen,

I remember when she first came to the palace.  Even then, before the purification, there was something that set her apart from the others.

Many of us were there because our peoples had been conquered. We did what we had to survive. Danger was everywhere even in the midst of all the opulence and splendor.

It was a great honor and responsibility to be chosen to serve her. She was humble and didn’t hit or throw tantrums.  I grew to love her and would do anything for her, even if I had not been her handmaid.

And then she became the favorite.  I kept watch to protect her from the jealousy of others.  I did not know the danger would come from jealousy of her kinsman.

I knew something was wrong but she did not confide in me. I had to wait.  And then she stopped eating.  Alarmed I knew I had to do something.  If something happened to her, I would pay with my life.

I discovered a new law had been written, one that allowed a certain people to be slaughtered on a certain day.  And to inspire compliance, the property of these certain people would pass to those who destroyed them.

I do not understand why anyone would want to kill their neighbor for their possessions but I do know that is the way of man. I had seen to much of death and destruction in my home country. What can one do against such power?

And then I saw a miracle unfold before my eyes.  I did not know that is what it was at the time.  I was frantic that my lady refuses to eat for days.  And then she announces she will go before the king.

No amount of cajoling will dissuade her from her decision.

She has not been summoned and will surely be killed as she approaches.  The only thing that will save her is the king raising his hand.

And he does!

She is that favored. She can be so bold.

He is curious why this lady comes to him and he grants her what ever she will ask.

What does she ask for but to invite him and the most wicked man in the kingdom for dinner.  Now I know she has gone mad. Delirious from hunger, something, for no good thing can happen from these events.

But it does. The king is charmed and offers his lady anything her heart desires.

Another dinner.

Oh, when will this madness stop!? The risks she is taking to have both the king and the most wicked man in her chambers.

I try to warn her. But she reminds me she is the master and I am to do her bidding. With great reluctance  I do as I am told.  Knowing that disaster will strike and we are all doomed.

After what seems like a lovely meal, and the king full of food and admiration, she reveals it is her people that the law was created to destroy.  The wicked man is the one who has created the law. And what is the king going to do about it?

Oh, the chaos that ensues! In those few words, the evening when from an idyllic picture to a life and death situation.  And my lady is the one who brought it about. My heart was in my throat. I could do nothing but watch to see what would happen next.

The king knows he cannot remove a law once it is written.  You would think he would be more careful about what laws he passes. He did alter it and my lady’s people were able to defend themselves.

I had hoped that people would abandon the idea of killing their neighbor for their property when it would not a slaughter but a war.  My hopes were not fulfilled for such is the nature of man.  But many of my lady and her people defeated their foes and kept their lives and their property.

I asked her how she could be so brave and do what is right, even if against the law.  And she told me about her God who is love and is most powerful of all. She told me this God loves even one such as I.

I learned to love God as well.


We All are the Anti-Christ

Any time we are not love, we are the Anti-Christ. We are the Anti-Christ every day.

When I call you ‘Jerk-face’, I am not loving you.  Even though I don’t call you that to your face, I’ve thought it.

Especially when you cut me off in traffic.  But I don’t love you when you don’t meet my expectations in other ways as well.

I’ve had neighbors I’ve referred to as ‘the creepy neighbor’  I cannot love him when I think of him in that way.

I do not love you in a myriad of ways.

And you are not loving either,

When you only want what I have and not me. When you lie, cheat, steal.

When you decide it is OK to kill your neighbor all of them that are not like you

or start a rape club

or make a bunch of money even though what you sell hurts other people

or create fear and anger in other people so that they hurt other people

But not all the time.  There are moments in the day you love.

And there are moments in the day I do love you. And it fills my heart with joy, peace and laughter.

If we want to defeat the Anti-Christ, we must start with our own heart, our own choices, our own lives.

And that is why for the rest of my life, I will endeavor to love everyone. And strive to do it each moment.

Love wins.

A Message from Cain

Hey You,

You think that God stopped loving me because of what I did.

He didn’t.  He loves me still.

You think my family stopped loving me because of what I did.

I did, too.

That’s why I ran away.  That and I was afraid someone would kill me. I know how easy it can be, it happened quick. A thought, a lashing out, and it was over.

Anger and fear are powerful and strong.  They change the course of a person’s life if left unchecked.

But love is more powerful

My family still loved me. We might have even been able to reconcile if I had stayed but we won’t know now. But that doesn’t mean we never reconciled.

We did.

And you can, as well.

God hasn’t stopped loving you, no matter what you have done.

God hasn’t stopped loving you, no matter what you have failed to do.

God loves you.

God misses you.

Right here, right now. Be restored.




A Message from Eve


I am glad you remember me. You remember me often.  Many people are worried that when they are gone, they will be forgotten.  I have no chance of that.

I’m the one you point to and say, ‘it’s her fault’.  All because of this one thing I did that one time.

The only difference between me and you is that I did it first.

As long as you spend your time looking at what I did and judging it, you will be stuck and unable to heal the rifts in your relationships.

I want to tell you that I am so much more than that one incident. I am as multi-faceted as a diamond.

I am loved and I loved well.  I raised three beautiful boys.  They were my pride and joy.

Cain was strong and provided for us. I always felt safe from the dangers of the world when he was around.

He even had a strong sense of responsibility when he was little.  Taking my hand and leading the way.

His brother Abel had a strong connection with God.  I thought when we left the garden, we would never see God again.  Abel was forever pointing out where God is.  I never knew what he would say and I smile remembering the laughter he brought into our lives.

It was devastating when we learned of what Cain had done when he let his jealousy rage.

We lost two sons that day.

How could this of happened? What could we have done different? But the questions remained unanswered and the deed had been done.

It takes everything you have each time you have to start over. We lost everything when we left the garden, started anew. Then lost everything when Abel died and Cain ran from what he had done. Adam and I were faced with letting this destroy us or pick up the pieces and start anew again.

And through it all, God was there.  He did not keep Himself from us. He taught us that love covers even the choices that turn life upside down. We got up each day, did what needed to be done and sought ways to make life better.

We didn’t expect to have Seth.  What a surprise! And he was so very different from his brothers.  It amazes me that the boys were so very different and yet I loved each of them for who they were and are.

And all you want to do is point to that thing I did that changed everything and say it’s all my fault you are in this mess.  Won’t you please forgive me and get on with your life?

May God bless you and keep you,




Thoughts about Love

Love is a thing, a very strange thing.  I can have it for Gpa and give it to you.

The love I have for Gpa is piling up and overflowing.  I haven’t known what to do with it.  Felt like popping.

It can be killed.  My first husband stomped all over what love I had for him.  He did this until there was no emotion left at all.  I would see him and think ‘who is this?’

But I’d be very careful for he was still very full of all kinds of emotions.  I never knew what I was going to get with him.

Our last conversation where he was conscious was over an upset with the second wife.

In his case, I don’t think love was enough and I’m not sure how to process this.

In Gpa’s case, there’s so much love it will continue to spread for years to come.

Yet in both instances I’m sad.

Told you love is a strange thing.

Love vs Grace

I have a friend who has recently filed for divorce.  I don’t know the details but I know the next few months will be difficult.

I’ve been through three divorces. The first one when I was a junior in high school.  My parents had been unhappy for a long time.  Well all my life really.  My dad was mad at his dad.  That grandpa died before I was born.  I know very little of him and about the only picture I’ve seen is in my parent’s wedding album.

There were other issues as well.  Mom would call my sister and I into her room periodically and let us know we may be leaving Daddy if he didn’t stop drinking.  So when she asked me what I thought that last time, I told her, “You’ve been talking about this for years, go ahead and do it.”  She did.

And life fell apart.

I married a few years later.  Way too young.  However, I have children I love dearly and wouldn’t change a thing.  Well, yes, I am sorry there wasn’t more I could do for the kids dad.

Love wasn’t enough.  He had demons he was fighting and it destroyed everything.  I stayed as long as I could but there came a day I knew none of would be OK if I didn’t get myself and the kids out.

I didn’t hate him, I just didn’t love him anymore.  Or more correctly, the most loving thing I could do was to leave.

Then another marriage.  That failed.

And now Gpa has dementia.

Love hasn’t been able to change a thing.

It hasn’t been enough.

And I struggle with that.  I love all these people and it doesn’t make a difference.  Life is still hard.  Demons still torment.  Past anger still festering.  Things said and done that can’t be taken back.

But what is enough is grace.

Grace wipes the slate clean.  It’s a do over.  Let’s start fresh.

Create something new.  Better.

I want this for my friend.  Something to look forward to, a letting go of the baggage.

Mental Illness

We treat mental illness the worst.  We understand, barely, sometimes that dementia is something the afflicted person cannot help.

However, we tell depressed people to ‘get over it’.  We blame schizophrenics for the actions they take that the voices they heard them tell them too.  Really?  How do you discern what thoughts you should carry out and which ones you should not?

How many people have said in hindsight, “it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

It has been hard to watch Gpa’s decline.  Though I do see glimmers if  I am paying attention.  And for the most part he is happy.

I sang a part of Jingle Bells while taking him to the bathroom at the garden.  When we got back to the pavilion, he finished where I left off!

When we were getting ready for juggling practice today, he stopped and looked me in the eye and told me I was a beautiful lady.

I’m glad someone thinks so.  I have been spending most of my time doing the basic minimum routine so I know my skin is flaky and my hair is pretty crazy.  But they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I told him thank you.  It was nice he noticed.

Lillie has a friend that has several issues and is now wanting to focus on her depression, maybe even go into an in patient program.  Her doctors are trying different drugs, which are making her sleep and her parents think she can pull herself out of the depression on her own without the program.

UM, what skills or experience does she have to do this? Has she done this successfully before? All of this young woman’s stress relieving strategies are self destructive.

She was supposed to call me after her doctor’s appointments today, which ended at 3pm.  But she didn’t.  I thought about it while getting ready for juggling.  I thought, I’ll keep my phone on me and pick up.  But she never called and I haven’t thought about it again until now.

I do hope she is all right.

I can’t fix Gpa and I can’t fix Lillie’s friend.  It’s situations like this that  make me wonder why love isn’t enough?  And if love isn’t enough, what is?   I stand here and watch them slip away.