I don’t know about you but the people who have held me to the highest standards have been the people who I love the most. And I know they love me too. However, it is very hard to live with knowing that I don’t measure up to the expectations they have for me.
My dad, I know wanted the best for me. He wanted me to be the best. Even to the point where, from my view point, I got in trouble for making straight A’s in high school. How is that possible you might ask? It has taken me a long time to sort out. (call me a slow study if you will. But here goes:
In Bookkeeping class, the first 6 weeks I made a 100. Wow, that is super awesome! The second 6 weeks I made a 94 or maybe 92. (it’s been 35 years so I’m a bit fuzzy on the details)
Dad asked me what happened. Why did my grade drop? I didn’t have an answer. I was surprised and shocked to be asked that question. I handed him a straight A report card and I get reprimanded. I thought I was going to be told, “good job, keep up the good work. I am proud of you.”
All I could say was, “I don’t know.” All I heard was that I had failed.
Looking back on what was happening in the class room…..There was some down time in the first 6 weeks and the teacher filled it with extra credit work. So of course I did it. But subsequent weeks through to the end of the year, there wasn’t as much if any extra time.
I would do extra credit work if offered, but I never thought to ask for it.
But later in our relationship, he wrote some notes about what I meant to him. I still have them. They tell me that he learned from me because of who I was. These notes I cherish. This is what I choose to remember about him. This was worth figuring out how to balance who I am with who he needed me to be.
Not easy. Not simple. and Not over.
My middle daughter is now texting me she is sorry she is so hard on me. I asked(through text) why is that?
She replied, “Because it isn’t necessarily what you need, the way I need it.”
I couldn’t reply with anything but, “Oh”
First of all because this is too important a conversation to be had over text messaging. Too many ways what is typed can be mis-construed.
Second of all the thumbs would wear out before all that needs to be said, gets typed.
Third of all this type of conversation is best ended with a good long hug. Because I know, I’ve done this before, if it doesn’t end with the affirmation of love, I may just walk away and never look back. And that’s the last thing I want to do.
I’m tired and I don’t know if I can go through not meeting someone’s high expectations again.
